Brighter Days

Well after the last few posts, everyone has been so loving and encouraging! People have been telling me how glad they are I opened up and shared my heart. So I figured I should keep going with it. Even if no one is reading it anymore, it’s still helping me J

It feels good to write again. It helps me gets my thoughts and emotions straight.

Every day is so different from the next. One day I feel like I have “pulled myself together” and the next day I feel like an emotional wreck.

Everyone goes through stages of grief after losing someone. At first, you go through the stages rather quickly.  Like a different emotion every day (or every hour..)

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not everyone goes through all of these exact stages, but I definitely experienced most of them.

I thought I was acting bipolar there for a while because I would be in a different mood so often. But I started to think about the grieving process and it made sense that there are so many emotions happening that you just can’t deal with it all.

As I mentioned before, about a week after losing my mom I thought I was okay and “coping.” That would be the denial coming through. But as the months went on, the stages of grief drew out. At some points I would feel anti-social, not wanting to talk to anyone, especially about my mom. Other days I was angry.

I can’t explain what I was angry at because I had no idea either. I guess I was just angry everything was changing so fast. I was angry at the people who had great moms.

(Of course it was actually insane jealousy, but I thought I was mad about it at the same time.) I never showed the anger but I definitely felt it. I was angry at God for doing this to my family. I knew it would happen someday… but why did it happen when I was in college? Obviously I am out of the house while in college but I feel like I need my mom more in college than in high school.

Other girls would tell me their complaints about their mom, like they were annoying or over-controlling. And sitting there, in my head I was fuming mad. They had their mom alive, yet they were still complaining. Don’t get me wrong. When my mom was alive, I got frustrated and annoyed with her just as much. But it’s hard to hear people complain about their mom when they still have one.. I wanted to shake them and say, “Just appreciate her!!” But I could relate to them as well because after being hurt by my mom so many times, I knew the frustration they were feeling.

Nowadays it doesn’t bother me to hear girls talk to their moms. Yes, I am jealous of course, but it makes me happy to see them have sweet and healthy relationships in their family. Every girl should have that.

I miss talking to moms a lot still. If I could sit and talk to a mom all day, it would be the best day on the planet. It never gets old. Give me ANY mom and I’ll sit there and talk to her like there’s no tomorrow. I think those are God’s little joys that He gives me because he knows I like it so much.

Some days I was genuinely happy my mom was in Heaven. I feel like she can see me more now than when she was alive. I talk to her in my car while I’m driving and tell her what I do everyday. Yes it sounds weird, but that’s when I feel closest to her. I wish I could hear her responses but I just imagine what she’d say.

Our joke was that she ALWAYS wanted me to have lip-gloss on. Any time I left the house, she would have to check to make sure it was on and colorful enough. And if she ever saw a picture on facebook when it wasn’t on, I would get a text from her about it if I wasn’t home. It used to drive me crazy cause I didn’t care if “you couldn’t see my lips,” but now I think about her every time I put it on.

Life has changed a lot now. I think that’s what I was least expecting. For everything to change so fast. We moved from our house in Plano because it had too many memories of my mom everywhere. We packed it up and moved out to McKinney. I was already at Baylor and rushing to be in a sorority. All my friends were changing and everything was different.

It was just my dad, Taylor and myself. And every time it would be the three of us, it was a reminder of who was missing. But as time passes, it’s starting to feel normal just having a family of three. But being the only girl and sharing a house with my dad and brother results in me being “out voted” in everything we do since I’m the only girl. I know if I spoke up enough they would listen to me, but I pick my battles and just let them go eat where they want.

So, needless to say, I am getting used to the guy movies, the fast food and making sure they both look appropriate and brushed their teeth. (Yes, no matter how old they get, you still have to remind them to wash their clothes and use deodorant.)

If anything, it is preparing me for when I live with my husband!

But day after day, I remind myself how blessed I am to have a loving brother, dad and extended family who continually love me and check on me every week. I am blessed and thankful for such amazing friends and a wonderful school. The things I dealt with in the past make me stronger and I rely on the Lord every step of the way. I cherish the times I have with my loved ones and don’t let a second of it go to waste.

Love you all,

Lauren