A tough two years

I started this blog while I was in Italy. I wanted to share the crazy travel experiences I was having everyday. On a study abroad, there are so many new experiences that you can't remember them all unless you write them down. It helped alot to get my thoughts into words and I enjoy getting to go back and read the posts.

But after I returned to the states after my trip, I really started to miss all the blogging!
Sure, not nearly as many exciting things were happening back in Texas, but I had just as many thoughts that I needed to sort out.

I have tried many times to think about how to restart the blog and what I should even talk about. But I know my story and the experiences I have had growing up can touch others lives in more ways than I know. It is painful and exhausting to rehash the memories growing up, but if this blog can encourage or give anyone the slightest glimpse of hope in their darkness, then I have succeeded in wanting to write again.

I am hesitant to even post this because I feel like it might just be another "boring family problem story" to others. I know every family has their issues, some harder than others. But eventually, every family will hit a point where everything just gets really difficult. If you are in that valley, take a deep breath cause it gets better!

To get a few things straight, I don't want to give specifics on some of the things I experienced growing up, simply because there is no point for that.
But I bring it up because I want people to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

For starters, I had a wonderful family growing up. It was just my mom, my dad and my brother Taylor and I. Me and Taylor are only 18 months apart so we have always been really close.

My dad was a businessman and my mom was a "stay-at-home mom that never stayed home" along with being an etiquette teacher. She trained at the Protocol School of Washington and would also teach every once in a while at Baylor and SMU.

As you can see, we were the typical American family from the outside. Everything was perfect and everyone was happy all the time.

Dont get me wrong, we were happy and there were many fun times. But we were also hiding a secret. And we fought really hard for years so that only few people would have to find out.

My mom had an alcohol addiction. She had been struggling with it since I was very little. But growing up, she would only relapse every few months. She would be "sick" for a week and lay in bed, but then she would pull it together and start to get her strength back. Around high school though, the relapses got more frequent. I didn't see her as much because when she got sick, I would go stay at my friends house until she got better.

I thought it would help to stay at friends house so I wouldn't have to see her like that.
But when my mom was sober and healthy, we got along great. I was always close to her and she was the mom that alot of girls wanted. Not only was she gorgeous, but she had a HUGE heart for others. She was an amazing cook and walked and dressed with class.

This is why people were so shocked when she passed away in December of 2010. Since not many people knew about her addiction, they were coming up to me at the funeral asking me what happened.

I guess it was just me, but I just assumed that more people knew about our family secret. I didn't mind telling people what was going on, but I know my mom was embarrassed for people to find out. I didn't blame her. I know everyone wanted to help our family, and I am beyond grateful for that, but I also know there would have been judgement on her as well.

I always hoped my mom would get better. I had this hope for her that would never go away. While she was at rehab in San Antonio, I would write her letters trying to encourage and support her. I couldn't wait until I could go visit her.

Rehab would work for her for a while after she came home, but after time, the awful temptations would come back.

There are many things I could say to explain the years growing up, but the day my mom passed away, I seemed to forget about most of the bad memories that happened in my family. Before she passed away, I could remember every time my mom would relapse or disappoint me. But now I only think about the fun and sweet times I had with my precious momma.

The last summer I had with her, she asked me if I wanted to go to Beaver Creek, Colorado, with her for a few days before going to visit my cousin. At the time, I wasn't exactly excited to go on this trip with her because I thought she would relapse and I would have been stuck with her by myself. But I didn't tell her that I didn't really want to go because I knew she would be mad.

Let me tell you, I was shocked because it was the best few days of my life. I didn't know that would be my last trip with her. And I didn't know God had that trip in store for me. But he knew I would hold that trip close to my heart, because my mom acted like the mom I knew she really was. She was sober, sweet, loving and fun every single day of the trip.

She took that time to tell me how sorry she was that she hurt our family. And she would tell me how pretty I was and how proud she was of me. She had told me all of that many times before, but it meant something different this time.

After that trip I came to Baylor to start my first year of college. Since I am the youngest in the family, it was devastating for her to have her last child to move out of the house. I think I had only talked to my mom a few times while I was at Baylor because she got sick and relapsed often. I had to emotionally let go of her just so I could focus on school and classes.

But it was killing our family. We were going crazy. My mom wasn't getting better. It was getting to the point of no return where my mom would ever completely get better. I was even fighting with my friends because I was hurting so bad.

I knew she wouldn't be around too much longer, I thought we would still have her a few more years though. Her liver was completely fine, shockingly, but her brain had been damaged.

I got the call half-way through my freshman year at Baylor that she had passed away. My roommate drove me home to Dallas and we planned her funeral within a few days and then I made it back to Waco just in time for finals.

It was all a blur. I was in shock.
Part of me was relieved that she wasn't in torture anymore and I was relieved that she was at home in Heaven. I wanted that for her. I wanted her to be on the streets of gold that I had read in the Bible.

But that didn't help the loss I had deep in my heart. Every girl needs their mom. Every girl wants their mom to plan her wedding when she gets older. And every girl wants her mom to just play with her hair.

I just wanted to call her to hear her voice. I remember her bright smile and warm hug. I used to play videos of her just to remember her contagious joy. But it has been two years since she has passed away and my head is starting to feel like I am above water again and I can manage.

Some days are harder than others. But the Lord has pulled me through this tough track and He has kept his hand over my family. I have never been more grateful for His plan.

There is much more to explain but that will just have to come next time :)

Love you all, Lauren