Gaining Strength

What I didn’t mention in the last blog post was I actually went to Zambia, Africa, after my trip to Italy. There is something in me that has a hard time talking about this trip because it was so personal to me.

My brother met me in Florence, Italy, the last week of my study abroad and we flew to Zambia straight from there. After a six week study abroad trip, I was extremely homesick and I was jealous that the rest of the group got to go back home to the states.

But I took the extremely long plane ride to Zambia to get my brain back on track with the Lord. I knew I was going to Africa to open up a house in honor of my mom in an orphanage, but that’s all I knew. I had no earthly idea what to expect. Taylor and I met up with my aunt and cousins in London and we all continued from there together.

The week consisted of playing with the sweet Zambian kids and fixing up the house for the kids that would be opened on the last day of the trip. Walking around the slums, I saw kids running around half naked and completely filthy. They would see us and scream “Mzungus!” while running at us. Mzungus mean ‘white people’ and they loved to just walk with us and hold our hand. I could tell they were desperate for love and affection.

We had been in the slums for at least an hour walking around and it hit me, my heart wasn’t breaking for these kids. I looked around and saw despair and a lack of joy in the moms’ eyes. The dads were already in the bars at 9 a.m. and had no intention of being around their family.

I was so mad and confused at myself that my heart felt like stone while holding a little girls’ hand right next to me. I don’t mean to sound like a heartless person, because believe me I had a huge place in my heart for those sweet kids. But at that moment, I was so scared of hurting that I had just built up the walls around my heart so I didn’t have to hurt anymore.

Granted, no one wants to feel pain. And after these past few years, I was so tired of hurting, but compared to the luxuries I get back in the states, why wouldn’t I let my guard down and let these sweet kids touch my heart?

I knew it would hurt to let myself feel again. I let myself become numb. I guess I thought I was protecting myself, but in turn, I was only causing myself more problems.

Believe me when I say it’s hard to knock down the walls you build up. Easy to say, nearly impossible to do. But during the week in Zambia, I told my cousin I would work on it. She encouraged me to let myself feel again, even if it was painful. I wanted to feel what it was like to see 12 kids from the slums move into the house that was in honor of my mom.

I knew she would’ve wanted that. She would want me to heal and process after she passed away.

I never got the chance to say bye to her. In some ways I know that was a blessing. I couldn’t imagine what that would have been like to say bye to the very person that raised you. I would have felt like my heart broke into a million pieces.

I had already started to let go of her when she was still alive just for my sanity. I still loved her as much as a daughter could possibly love her mother. But I knew there had to be some separation. I remember the day I had come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t be around much longer, and I think that day was harder than the day she actually passed away.

I thought I was awful for being somewhat relieved when she had gone to be in Heaven. It didn’t seem right for me to be happy for her, cause everything in my entire being wanted her to be back with me. I was still devastated, but why wouldn’t I want my mom to go be with her Savior, in a perfect body, where there would be no more sadness or temptation? Of course I wanted that for her.

I was still in shock about a week after the funeral, but I had actually tricked myself into thinking I would be alright with all of it because I wasn’t crying all that much. I guess I was just in “survival mode” trying to get everything done with the funeral arrangements and taking finals at Baylor.

But when everything settled down and everyone went back home after the funeral, that’s when I fell apart. I thought everyone was just going to forget about her. People still asked me if I was okay, but obviously there are no words to say. I was worried about my family. I didn’t just lose my mom. My dad lost his bride, my grandparents lost their sweet daughter and my aunt lost her sister. I was worried and hurting for them as well.

Some people back at school asked me how I could manage so well after losing her. To answer your question, I wouldn’t call it “managing.” I was barely getting through. My grades dropped the next semester and I couldn’t even listen or comprehend anything in class. I was just going through all the motions of life. I’m sure anyone who has lost a loved one could agree with me.

But as each semester passed, the days got easier. I was still going through the grieving process so there were some days I barely got through. But overall, I knew I was healing and it would take time. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I honestly don’t know where I’d be. I wasn’t always the most fun to be around on some days, but they loved me when I wasn’t very loveable. And for that I am more than grateful.

I wasn’t sulking around all day everyday being depressed, but there were some days I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom, and those were the days my friends and family stepped in the most.

My relationship with the Lord was strong way before my mom passed away, but it is on a new level now and He is the one that pulls me out of bed in the mornings. Every single person on this earth will let you down or disappoint you at some point. But the Lord never falls through. He’s there on the days you need Him most, and He’s still there on the days where he’s not on the forefront of your mind. Just keep trusting Him even in the dark times.

I know God has the most perfect plan for my life and my family’s life and we continue to rely on Him through everyday.

This is a verse my mom always loved and I always think about her when I read it.

“But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint.”

–Isaiah 40:31