Brighter Days

Well after the last few posts, everyone has been so loving and encouraging! People have been telling me how glad they are I opened up and shared my heart. So I figured I should keep going with it. Even if no one is reading it anymore, it’s still helping me J

It feels good to write again. It helps me gets my thoughts and emotions straight.

Every day is so different from the next. One day I feel like I have “pulled myself together” and the next day I feel like an emotional wreck.

Everyone goes through stages of grief after losing someone. At first, you go through the stages rather quickly.  Like a different emotion every day (or every hour..)

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not everyone goes through all of these exact stages, but I definitely experienced most of them.

I thought I was acting bipolar there for a while because I would be in a different mood so often. But I started to think about the grieving process and it made sense that there are so many emotions happening that you just can’t deal with it all.

As I mentioned before, about a week after losing my mom I thought I was okay and “coping.” That would be the denial coming through. But as the months went on, the stages of grief drew out. At some points I would feel anti-social, not wanting to talk to anyone, especially about my mom. Other days I was angry.

I can’t explain what I was angry at because I had no idea either. I guess I was just angry everything was changing so fast. I was angry at the people who had great moms.

(Of course it was actually insane jealousy, but I thought I was mad about it at the same time.) I never showed the anger but I definitely felt it. I was angry at God for doing this to my family. I knew it would happen someday… but why did it happen when I was in college? Obviously I am out of the house while in college but I feel like I need my mom more in college than in high school.

Other girls would tell me their complaints about their mom, like they were annoying or over-controlling. And sitting there, in my head I was fuming mad. They had their mom alive, yet they were still complaining. Don’t get me wrong. When my mom was alive, I got frustrated and annoyed with her just as much. But it’s hard to hear people complain about their mom when they still have one.. I wanted to shake them and say, “Just appreciate her!!” But I could relate to them as well because after being hurt by my mom so many times, I knew the frustration they were feeling.

Nowadays it doesn’t bother me to hear girls talk to their moms. Yes, I am jealous of course, but it makes me happy to see them have sweet and healthy relationships in their family. Every girl should have that.

I miss talking to moms a lot still. If I could sit and talk to a mom all day, it would be the best day on the planet. It never gets old. Give me ANY mom and I’ll sit there and talk to her like there’s no tomorrow. I think those are God’s little joys that He gives me because he knows I like it so much.

Some days I was genuinely happy my mom was in Heaven. I feel like she can see me more now than when she was alive. I talk to her in my car while I’m driving and tell her what I do everyday. Yes it sounds weird, but that’s when I feel closest to her. I wish I could hear her responses but I just imagine what she’d say.

Our joke was that she ALWAYS wanted me to have lip-gloss on. Any time I left the house, she would have to check to make sure it was on and colorful enough. And if she ever saw a picture on facebook when it wasn’t on, I would get a text from her about it if I wasn’t home. It used to drive me crazy cause I didn’t care if “you couldn’t see my lips,” but now I think about her every time I put it on.

Life has changed a lot now. I think that’s what I was least expecting. For everything to change so fast. We moved from our house in Plano because it had too many memories of my mom everywhere. We packed it up and moved out to McKinney. I was already at Baylor and rushing to be in a sorority. All my friends were changing and everything was different.

It was just my dad, Taylor and myself. And every time it would be the three of us, it was a reminder of who was missing. But as time passes, it’s starting to feel normal just having a family of three. But being the only girl and sharing a house with my dad and brother results in me being “out voted” in everything we do since I’m the only girl. I know if I spoke up enough they would listen to me, but I pick my battles and just let them go eat where they want.

So, needless to say, I am getting used to the guy movies, the fast food and making sure they both look appropriate and brushed their teeth. (Yes, no matter how old they get, you still have to remind them to wash their clothes and use deodorant.)

If anything, it is preparing me for when I live with my husband!

But day after day, I remind myself how blessed I am to have a loving brother, dad and extended family who continually love me and check on me every week. I am blessed and thankful for such amazing friends and a wonderful school. The things I dealt with in the past make me stronger and I rely on the Lord every step of the way. I cherish the times I have with my loved ones and don’t let a second of it go to waste.

Love you all,

Lauren

Gaining Strength

What I didn’t mention in the last blog post was I actually went to Zambia, Africa, after my trip to Italy. There is something in me that has a hard time talking about this trip because it was so personal to me.

My brother met me in Florence, Italy, the last week of my study abroad and we flew to Zambia straight from there. After a six week study abroad trip, I was extremely homesick and I was jealous that the rest of the group got to go back home to the states.

But I took the extremely long plane ride to Zambia to get my brain back on track with the Lord. I knew I was going to Africa to open up a house in honor of my mom in an orphanage, but that’s all I knew. I had no earthly idea what to expect. Taylor and I met up with my aunt and cousins in London and we all continued from there together.

The week consisted of playing with the sweet Zambian kids and fixing up the house for the kids that would be opened on the last day of the trip. Walking around the slums, I saw kids running around half naked and completely filthy. They would see us and scream “Mzungus!” while running at us. Mzungus mean ‘white people’ and they loved to just walk with us and hold our hand. I could tell they were desperate for love and affection.

We had been in the slums for at least an hour walking around and it hit me, my heart wasn’t breaking for these kids. I looked around and saw despair and a lack of joy in the moms’ eyes. The dads were already in the bars at 9 a.m. and had no intention of being around their family.

I was so mad and confused at myself that my heart felt like stone while holding a little girls’ hand right next to me. I don’t mean to sound like a heartless person, because believe me I had a huge place in my heart for those sweet kids. But at that moment, I was so scared of hurting that I had just built up the walls around my heart so I didn’t have to hurt anymore.

Granted, no one wants to feel pain. And after these past few years, I was so tired of hurting, but compared to the luxuries I get back in the states, why wouldn’t I let my guard down and let these sweet kids touch my heart?

I knew it would hurt to let myself feel again. I let myself become numb. I guess I thought I was protecting myself, but in turn, I was only causing myself more problems.

Believe me when I say it’s hard to knock down the walls you build up. Easy to say, nearly impossible to do. But during the week in Zambia, I told my cousin I would work on it. She encouraged me to let myself feel again, even if it was painful. I wanted to feel what it was like to see 12 kids from the slums move into the house that was in honor of my mom.

I knew she would’ve wanted that. She would want me to heal and process after she passed away.

I never got the chance to say bye to her. In some ways I know that was a blessing. I couldn’t imagine what that would have been like to say bye to the very person that raised you. I would have felt like my heart broke into a million pieces.

I had already started to let go of her when she was still alive just for my sanity. I still loved her as much as a daughter could possibly love her mother. But I knew there had to be some separation. I remember the day I had come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t be around much longer, and I think that day was harder than the day she actually passed away.

I thought I was awful for being somewhat relieved when she had gone to be in Heaven. It didn’t seem right for me to be happy for her, cause everything in my entire being wanted her to be back with me. I was still devastated, but why wouldn’t I want my mom to go be with her Savior, in a perfect body, where there would be no more sadness or temptation? Of course I wanted that for her.

I was still in shock about a week after the funeral, but I had actually tricked myself into thinking I would be alright with all of it because I wasn’t crying all that much. I guess I was just in “survival mode” trying to get everything done with the funeral arrangements and taking finals at Baylor.

But when everything settled down and everyone went back home after the funeral, that’s when I fell apart. I thought everyone was just going to forget about her. People still asked me if I was okay, but obviously there are no words to say. I was worried about my family. I didn’t just lose my mom. My dad lost his bride, my grandparents lost their sweet daughter and my aunt lost her sister. I was worried and hurting for them as well.

Some people back at school asked me how I could manage so well after losing her. To answer your question, I wouldn’t call it “managing.” I was barely getting through. My grades dropped the next semester and I couldn’t even listen or comprehend anything in class. I was just going through all the motions of life. I’m sure anyone who has lost a loved one could agree with me.

But as each semester passed, the days got easier. I was still going through the grieving process so there were some days I barely got through. But overall, I knew I was healing and it would take time. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I honestly don’t know where I’d be. I wasn’t always the most fun to be around on some days, but they loved me when I wasn’t very loveable. And for that I am more than grateful.

I wasn’t sulking around all day everyday being depressed, but there were some days I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom, and those were the days my friends and family stepped in the most.

My relationship with the Lord was strong way before my mom passed away, but it is on a new level now and He is the one that pulls me out of bed in the mornings. Every single person on this earth will let you down or disappoint you at some point. But the Lord never falls through. He’s there on the days you need Him most, and He’s still there on the days where he’s not on the forefront of your mind. Just keep trusting Him even in the dark times.

I know God has the most perfect plan for my life and my family’s life and we continue to rely on Him through everyday.

This is a verse my mom always loved and I always think about her when I read it.

“But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint.”

–Isaiah 40:31

A tough two years

I started this blog while I was in Italy. I wanted to share the crazy travel experiences I was having everyday. On a study abroad, there are so many new experiences that you can't remember them all unless you write them down. It helped alot to get my thoughts into words and I enjoy getting to go back and read the posts.

But after I returned to the states after my trip, I really started to miss all the blogging!
Sure, not nearly as many exciting things were happening back in Texas, but I had just as many thoughts that I needed to sort out.

I have tried many times to think about how to restart the blog and what I should even talk about. But I know my story and the experiences I have had growing up can touch others lives in more ways than I know. It is painful and exhausting to rehash the memories growing up, but if this blog can encourage or give anyone the slightest glimpse of hope in their darkness, then I have succeeded in wanting to write again.

I am hesitant to even post this because I feel like it might just be another "boring family problem story" to others. I know every family has their issues, some harder than others. But eventually, every family will hit a point where everything just gets really difficult. If you are in that valley, take a deep breath cause it gets better!

To get a few things straight, I don't want to give specifics on some of the things I experienced growing up, simply because there is no point for that.
But I bring it up because I want people to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

For starters, I had a wonderful family growing up. It was just my mom, my dad and my brother Taylor and I. Me and Taylor are only 18 months apart so we have always been really close.

My dad was a businessman and my mom was a "stay-at-home mom that never stayed home" along with being an etiquette teacher. She trained at the Protocol School of Washington and would also teach every once in a while at Baylor and SMU.

As you can see, we were the typical American family from the outside. Everything was perfect and everyone was happy all the time.

Dont get me wrong, we were happy and there were many fun times. But we were also hiding a secret. And we fought really hard for years so that only few people would have to find out.

My mom had an alcohol addiction. She had been struggling with it since I was very little. But growing up, she would only relapse every few months. She would be "sick" for a week and lay in bed, but then she would pull it together and start to get her strength back. Around high school though, the relapses got more frequent. I didn't see her as much because when she got sick, I would go stay at my friends house until she got better.

I thought it would help to stay at friends house so I wouldn't have to see her like that.
But when my mom was sober and healthy, we got along great. I was always close to her and she was the mom that alot of girls wanted. Not only was she gorgeous, but she had a HUGE heart for others. She was an amazing cook and walked and dressed with class.

This is why people were so shocked when she passed away in December of 2010. Since not many people knew about her addiction, they were coming up to me at the funeral asking me what happened.

I guess it was just me, but I just assumed that more people knew about our family secret. I didn't mind telling people what was going on, but I know my mom was embarrassed for people to find out. I didn't blame her. I know everyone wanted to help our family, and I am beyond grateful for that, but I also know there would have been judgement on her as well.

I always hoped my mom would get better. I had this hope for her that would never go away. While she was at rehab in San Antonio, I would write her letters trying to encourage and support her. I couldn't wait until I could go visit her.

Rehab would work for her for a while after she came home, but after time, the awful temptations would come back.

There are many things I could say to explain the years growing up, but the day my mom passed away, I seemed to forget about most of the bad memories that happened in my family. Before she passed away, I could remember every time my mom would relapse or disappoint me. But now I only think about the fun and sweet times I had with my precious momma.

The last summer I had with her, she asked me if I wanted to go to Beaver Creek, Colorado, with her for a few days before going to visit my cousin. At the time, I wasn't exactly excited to go on this trip with her because I thought she would relapse and I would have been stuck with her by myself. But I didn't tell her that I didn't really want to go because I knew she would be mad.

Let me tell you, I was shocked because it was the best few days of my life. I didn't know that would be my last trip with her. And I didn't know God had that trip in store for me. But he knew I would hold that trip close to my heart, because my mom acted like the mom I knew she really was. She was sober, sweet, loving and fun every single day of the trip.

She took that time to tell me how sorry she was that she hurt our family. And she would tell me how pretty I was and how proud she was of me. She had told me all of that many times before, but it meant something different this time.

After that trip I came to Baylor to start my first year of college. Since I am the youngest in the family, it was devastating for her to have her last child to move out of the house. I think I had only talked to my mom a few times while I was at Baylor because she got sick and relapsed often. I had to emotionally let go of her just so I could focus on school and classes.

But it was killing our family. We were going crazy. My mom wasn't getting better. It was getting to the point of no return where my mom would ever completely get better. I was even fighting with my friends because I was hurting so bad.

I knew she wouldn't be around too much longer, I thought we would still have her a few more years though. Her liver was completely fine, shockingly, but her brain had been damaged.

I got the call half-way through my freshman year at Baylor that she had passed away. My roommate drove me home to Dallas and we planned her funeral within a few days and then I made it back to Waco just in time for finals.

It was all a blur. I was in shock.
Part of me was relieved that she wasn't in torture anymore and I was relieved that she was at home in Heaven. I wanted that for her. I wanted her to be on the streets of gold that I had read in the Bible.

But that didn't help the loss I had deep in my heart. Every girl needs their mom. Every girl wants their mom to plan her wedding when she gets older. And every girl wants her mom to just play with her hair.

I just wanted to call her to hear her voice. I remember her bright smile and warm hug. I used to play videos of her just to remember her contagious joy. But it has been two years since she has passed away and my head is starting to feel like I am above water again and I can manage.

Some days are harder than others. But the Lord has pulled me through this tough track and He has kept his hand over my family. I have never been more grateful for His plan.

There is much more to explain but that will just have to come next time :)

Love you all, Lauren

Well it officially our last week in Florence and we are turning in our last few assignments for our writing and photography class. I can't even explain how much of a whirlwind this trip has been but I look back with wonderful memories from all our trips to different cities in Italy. It is hard to describe our trip in just a few words because so many things happened. But I have all my pictures to go back and look through.

My brother Taylor is here visiting me this week and we have had so much fun! We have climbed the tower of the Duomo, toured Florence, went to Siena, went shopping and have eaten amazing food! I love getting the chance to show him what I have seen and learned while studying here in Italy. I showed him every amazing gelato place in Florence and he has tried all of them!

Yesterday we had a day trip to Siena which was neat since we both had never been there before. Honestly, I was expecting rolling hills and countryside when we got to Siena but it actually a really neat city! I think we realized we should have set up a guided tour because we had no idea where we were going or what the important things were to see but after getting a map, we figured out the main churches and squares to see.

We decided to go in a ceramics store and the owner of the workshop talked our ear off! His name was Leonardo and he was so sweet! He told us it was so nice to meet friendly Americans...which is a compliment to me and Taylor but I was kind of taken aback that he hadn't met a nice American! Anyways, he showed us all of his ceramics pieces that he had made and about how long each piece takes to make. The more paint on it, the longer it takes in the oven.

One of the main squares in Siena was Piazza del Campo and that is where the famous horse races are held every year. The event is called Siena Palio and the horses chosen race from the divided neighborhoods (or contradas) in Siena. These races have been tradition since 1656 and each contrada has a name and a flag.

We leave from Italy the day before the horse races but it would have been really neat to see!

Now that the Italy trip is almost over, I have already been looking forward to my trip to Africa with my family! Me and Taylor leave to fly to Africa on the day that my school group goes back to the states. We will meet the rest of my family in the airport in London and then we continue on to Zambia together! I don't know what to expect at all but I have learned flexibility while being in Italy so I am keeping an open mind and looking forward to whatever this week in Africa has to offer!

For those who don't know, my family and I are going to the opening ceremony of a house that has been built in memory of my mom and another house that has been built in memory of my grandpa (Papa Jim). I know it will be an emotional week but I am looking forward to it because I know how loved my mom and grandpa would feel to know they have a house named after them in Africa. We will meet the family that moves in and see the orphanage that the houses were built in.

That's about all I know about the trip but I will post again about the trip when I get back home to the states!

Until then, we are packing and cleaning our apartments in Italy and rushing to get all of our assignments turned in before our 4AM departure to the airport on Sunday!

Day in Pisa and Lucca

At the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

On a bike ride around the city in Lucca!

Well it is officially our last week here in Florence and since yesterday was our last full day to travel, a few girls on the trip headed up to Pisa and Lucca for the afternoon! When we got to Pisa, we walked back to the leaning tower and I was just expecting it to look like all of the pictures I had seen. But when you actually see it in person, you realize how weird of a concept it is that it actually leans.

We talked to a lady by the tower and she said it still leans a little more each year because the ground under it is sinking on one side. So eventually the tower will one day fall but I am so glad I got to go see it in person!

Since there isn't much to see in Pisa other than the leaning tower, we headed on the train to the city of Lucca! I had never even heard of Lucca before the trip so I had no idea what to expect. My friends had told me it was a city surrounded by a large brick wall. When we got off the train, that is the first thing we saw. Inside the walls, it was quiet and not very many people around. After walking around for a while, we grabbed some lunch and then headed to the bike store! We couldn't wait to ride our bikes around the walls of the city. We quickly realized that biking was a much faster and easier way to see the city than walking was!

The wall around the city was actually a road but it was only for walkers and bikers so we enjoyed not having to look out for cars! The weather was perfect, the view was perfect and my friends and I had a nice relaxing ride around the city. After about an 8 mile bike ride, it was time to head back home to Florence.

Taylor gets to Florence tomorrow night and I am SO excited!!! Since we can't talk on the phone, I hope I can find him at the train station!

This week in Florence is the festival so the city has already been getting very crowded! There will be many fun activities all week like the parade, fireworks, shows, and the Calcio Storico Fiorentino which is a game played by the Italian men. It is a mixture of soccer, wrestling, and boxing. The men fight for their women and for Florence. I was watching a video online last night trying to understand the concept of it. All I saw was about 40 men on a sand field running around with a ball and then other guys beating each other to a pulp for no reason. Apparently there are no rules other than no weapons. I finally googled it and I think I understand the concept now but I will spare you the details. I had no idea it was such a big deal in Florence but tickets to the game sold out in two days!

It's going to be a fun week!

The artisan shop and the metal press!

Our Iatlian cooking class! Learning how to make pizza and gelato!

Our wonderful chef!

Well this past week was definitely our busiest week here in Florence but it was filled with laughter and memories! I turned the big 21 on Monday so my friends and I went to the only good Mexican food place in Florence called Tijuana's and we enjoyed chips and queso and quesadillas!

Earlier that day we had a scheduled tour to see the Medici Palace and it was a blast! Our tour guide actually worked at the palace so he had the keys to all the secret passageways. We got to go see places that even art history majors that live here have never seen. It goes to say it was quite the exclusive tour!

On Wednesday we got to enjoy a cooking class and they taught us how to make pizza and gelato! Obviously if we made gelato by hand then it would have taken about 4 hours so we only helped with the gelato a little bit. But we got to make the pizza from scratch! (If you want the recipe to the pizza and calzone we made then let me know!) We had a blast with the chefs and they made it really fun. I cant wait and come back and try to cook it all on my own!

Other than going to class and going out on photo assignments, life is pretty relaxing here. On Thursday we got to go on an Artisan tour which was by FAR my favorite tour! We went to a man's residence where his shop is in the basement. Walking in, I just thought this was a man who made metal work. But after going down to the basement, he started showing us all the work he has made for Christian Dior and Neiman Marcus.

We saw the patterns that he presses into metal frames and he also showed us a fish that was a salt and pepper shaker that Christian Dior ordered for his line! I had no idea this guy was so famous but when I started looking around, I noticed all the magazine articles on the walls of the work that has been sold to so many famous people! I felt honored to get to meet him and even though he didn't speak english, he was so gracious to let us come to his shop. Only students of our tour guide are allowed to come buy things at his shop and he sells everything for 1/4 of the retail price! I was wishing I had brought more cash!

Getting to see places like this are what makes living here so special. People who just come visit Florence for a week don't have time to find the small neat shops that make up the heart of Florence. I am truly blessed to have gotten to have such great experiences here.

And I am ecstatic to announce that my brother, Taylor is coming to visit me this next week and he gets here on Monday! Only 3 days away and I cannot express how excited I am!!! It is crazy how fast this trip has gone by! It seemed like yesterday we were just moving into the apartment and now we are already talking about cleaning and packing up! Since it is about to be our last week here, everyone on the trip is trying to fit in everything they wanted to do while they were here so I am assuming that with trying to finish our homework, we will be quite busy! I am already making a list of everything that I want to take Taylor to see!

The artisan shop!

Transferring the paper to the press! This pattern was for Neiman Marcus

Carlo Cecchi.. The famous artisan himself!

Weekend in Venice

Catherine and I in San Marco Square

One of my favorite pictures from the trip!

Beautiful day in Venice!

Well it was a successful weekend in Venice! After getting settled into our hotel, we had free time to go get lunch so a few girls decided to go wander around and try to find Rialto Bridge. They say that to be able to get the full experience of Venice, or Italy for that matter, then you have to get lost. Needless to say, that was not difficult to do! 

Since we were trying to save money, we decided to walk instead of taking the water taxi. After going down about 30 alleyways and twists and turns, we followed the signs and finally found Rialto Bridge and had lunch right by the Grand Canal.

That afternoon, the group had a tour scheduled to go see St. Marks Basilica and it was so neat! The whole ceiling was covered in tiny pieces of gold mosaic tiles. I found myself staring at it while the tour guide was talking and it was killing me that we weren't allowed to take any pictures! If you ever get time, look it up online cause it was the most gorgeous ceiling I have ever seen!

After our tour, we had a group dinner at the neatest restaurant! We sat outside under a canopy of bright green leaves and grapes and for dinner we had fancy macaroni and cheese and another course of pork and potatoes! Unfortunately we never got to try the seafood but if I ever go back then I heard it is delicious!

The next day in Venice we had a tour in the morning to go see the Jewish Ghetto which was really interesting to learn about. I loved walking around Venice cause I liked seeing how the Venetians live so differently than the people in Florence. (I guess they would be called Florentines?? Who knows.)

Obviously it is different because everyone in Venice drives boats to work but I also noticed that it is much more relaxed and quiet city. I know not many people live in Venice anymore cause it is slowly sinking but the people that do live there are very proud of their city and they love what they do. You rarely talk to anyone there who doesn't like their job. Most people were raised by their parents to learn to do this job. The gondola drivers grow up going to gondola school and are taught by their fathers.

Another popular thing that Venice is famous for is Murano Glass. There is an island called Murano where they make these intricate and colorful glass pieces. Not only are they expensive but they are very delicate! I didn't get the chance to go to the island of Murano but my friends that went said it is really neat to watch them blow and form the glass.

After seeing a few more churches and museums, the group was exhausted from walking all day in the sun and we were quite excited to get to come back home to Florence! There are many more stories from Venice but they are better told in person so feel free to ask me if you want to hear more about it!